The Cycle

As every day of my wait for VA and SSA to finish my claims drags on, I go through a cycle of mental highs and lows.  It usually starts with a thought about how I could use the increase to my income.  What things I might be able to do that I don't even think about while I'm barely able to make ends meet.  Then I remember all the unfinished projects, incomplete plans to go somewhere or hopes to start a new hobby.  I think about how nice it will be to finish some of those things.  Next comes the realization that I'm stuck where I am in the endless limbo of waiting for a decision.  That brings me back to the low spot that I usually end up in, frustrated with the process and how it slowly drags on and on.
This cycle repeats all day every day.  I have to find things to occupy my time with.  I spend a lot of time on the computer, reading or researching my conditions.  I have to find ways to get my mind out of the cycle and focused on anything else.  I'm not always successful, but I do try to have good days.  I use the computer as a kind of mental crutch to hobble along from one day to the next.  My wife doesn't always appreciate what I'm trying to do, but its hard to explain the same things are running through my head day after day.
The best I can hope for is to strike a balance between breaking the cycle and spending time with my wife.  Watching our favorite TV shows seems like one of the few compromises I can make to do that.  It gives us something to do together and something to talk about.  I know its a limited medium for us, but sometimes its all I have the energy to do.  My wife is a very understanding woman, who I am lucky enough to spend my days and nights with.