Another night without sleep...

Insomnia, or trouble sleeping isn't new for me.  Even with drugs and a cpap machine I still have more nights than not with at least an interruption to my rest.  I can't even act surprised anymore, I just expect to wake up and not be able to get back to sleep for a few hours.  I used to worry about it and the 'poor sleep hygiene' that goes with it, but now I just accept it and try to use the time I'm awake and alone.  Like writing in this blog.  I'd never get the peace and quiet I need to write here if I slept through the night.
So I sit here, cycling through all the troubles I have on the horizon, the chance for help that may never come, and what else I can do to make an impact on things.  Most of that just brings me down a notch as I realize how big the problems have grown.  There is still hope, but it grows more fleeting by the day.  Even as I hope all the more for some relief.  I don't know what else I can do to make things better, but I'm willing to try just about anything at this point.

Pain

I have lots of different pains.  I have muscle and joint pain, lower back pain, and headaches aplenty.  I have pain in my stomach, intestines and cramping on a regular basis.  Sometimes I feel like my hair even hurts, but its just my scalp.  I try not to be completely dependent on painkillers, but over time I've found little relief from anything else.  I take about 2400 Mg of Ibuprofen a day (the most you're supposed to take) and sometimes a 10 Mg tablet of cyclobenzaprine (a muscle relaxer).
I'm not complaining about the pain, but I sure do hate to take all these medicines.  I take twelve other medicines every day on top of pain relief.  Some are daytime medicines and some are to help me sleep.  I used to refuse anything to help me at night, but I got tired of hallucinations, night terrors and kicking my wife in my sleep.  Now I'm at least able to stay awake during the day and asleep by night.  I'm still not rested, but at least I can hold my head up most days.
The examiner at my last C&P exam asked me why I didn't feel I could work.  I told him, "All of it together." There isn't much more to say about it, but between the medicines, the pains and the other conditions that wax and wane from day to day, I'm always on edge.  I try not to be irritable or snappish, but I find myself fighting that urge more and more all the time.  I'm thankful for the understanding friends and family in my life.

The Cycle

As every day of my wait for VA and SSA to finish my claims drags on, I go through a cycle of mental highs and lows.  It usually starts with a thought about how I could use the increase to my income.  What things I might be able to do that I don't even think about while I'm barely able to make ends meet.  Then I remember all the unfinished projects, incomplete plans to go somewhere or hopes to start a new hobby.  I think about how nice it will be to finish some of those things.  Next comes the realization that I'm stuck where I am in the endless limbo of waiting for a decision.  That brings me back to the low spot that I usually end up in, frustrated with the process and how it slowly drags on and on.
This cycle repeats all day every day.  I have to find things to occupy my time with.  I spend a lot of time on the computer, reading or researching my conditions.  I have to find ways to get my mind out of the cycle and focused on anything else.  I'm not always successful, but I do try to have good days.  I use the computer as a kind of mental crutch to hobble along from one day to the next.  My wife doesn't always appreciate what I'm trying to do, but its hard to explain the same things are running through my head day after day.
The best I can hope for is to strike a balance between breaking the cycle and spending time with my wife.  Watching our favorite TV shows seems like one of the few compromises I can make to do that.  It gives us something to do together and something to talk about.  I know its a limited medium for us, but sometimes its all I have the energy to do.  My wife is a very understanding woman, who I am lucky enough to spend my days and nights with.

Unemployment

I haven't worked since July of 2011.  About three months of that time I drew unemployment and actively looked for another job.  In November of 2011 I stopped looking for work and stopped claiming unemployment.    The job I had until July was working for friends I've known since high school.  It was what folks who work with disability call a 'sheltered workplace'.  The business closed down and my shelter was gone.  I stopped looking for work because I realized that even if I found something that I could physically and mentally handle, I'd still have all the issues I deal with going on that would make me miss work repeatedly.  No one is going to keep around someone who misses work as much as I would.
A few days ago my mental health nurse suggested I get a job again.  It turned my whole thought process upside down.  I've just come to accept the fact that I'll never work again and here comes someone telling me just the opposite.  This is the same someone who less than a year ago said I couldn't work.  I'm almost distraught over the whole situation.  I've stressed about it so much that my IBS has flared, my fibro pain has kicked up a notch and my genial personality has become snappish and irritable.
Now I'm doubting myself again.  I do not believe that a part time job with its inherent stressors would do me any good at all.  The fact that all this is coming from someone who has been sympathetic to my conditions for so long makes it more difficult to shrug off.  I'm stumped by her reasoning to begin with.  I don't think she's taken my whole health picture into account.  I hope I'm not fooling myself somehow.

VA Logic

I've been diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome since before I was discharged in 2000 (that's over 12 years now).  Throughout that whole time I've treated the diarrhea part of my condition with generic Immodium (Loperamide).  Since 2005 when I enrolled in their tier one medical program, I have been prescribed that Loperamide through VA.  By my reckoning, that puts me at about 7 years of treatment with the prescription.  Last week I was informed that I'd have to start buying my Immodium somewhere else, as the VA would no longer be providing me with that medicine.  REALLY???
I can barely afford to keep food in my pantry or make my house payment.  Now, the VA wants to cut out one of my most essential medicines to save them a few bucks.  I wasn't terribly upset at first, but the longer I think about it, the more annoying it becomes.  Who made this decision and how did they arrive at this conclusion?  I don't even know where to file my objection.  Rest assured I will figure something out and at least file a protest of some kind.

MLK

I get reflective sometimes.  Its a habit I try not to indulge in too much.  Today was kind of difficult for me not to reflect.  There were speeches and ceremonies and media coverage of every minute of it.  So what does all this mean to me?  Its complicated.  I want to believe in equality, peaceful coexistence and the wonders of diversity, but I've seen inequality, violence and division most of my life.  I reject the dark side of life instinctively but I worry that I'm candy coating reality to appease my sensibilities.
Are all of us created equal?  I've always believed we were, but its a difficult proposition to find evidence for. There is plenty of evidence for inequality.  All you have to do is look at the difference between punishments handed down for different crimes.  Convicted Enron officials won't do nearly the time a repeat crack dealer will see behind bars.  Status and power seem rooted in the idea of inequality, and most Americans seem to believe that is how things should be.  I'm not so sure.
Peace is an illusion that is easily shattered.  Whether its a crazed gunman or a belligerent drunk driving home from the bar, it only takes a second to destroy a life and alter all the lives that person touches.  We operate everyday under the assumption that peace is the natural state of affairs, but we are all just heartbeats away from that nameless fear of bloodshed.  Do I want peace?  Of course, but I know there is a darkness to be held at bay.  I don't advocate turning your home into an armed camp, but I don't think being taken meekly by those who would do you harm is a solution either.  Not one I want to take on anyway.
I have always believed in a community's strength through diversity.  I believe that lots of different perspectives give us all a better chance at seeing our way through whatever troubles come our way.  I have seen enough different cultures and countries to still believe diversity can be a strength.  I know that it can be difficult to reconcile some differences, but I still think its worth the extra effort.  I believe in this so strongly that I have high hopes that equality and peace still have a chance in this cold, often cruel world.

More exams...

Yesterday I had a two hour drive to reach a compensation and pension exam.  The exam was scheduled at 7:30 in the morning.  The exam actually started at 9:00 am.  Once it began, the exam moved along quickly and the examiner seemed pretty thorough in his questions.  I'll have to wait a few weeks for his report to see how it went.  I have some hope from the tone of his questions that he took my conditions seriously.
The two hour ride home was less eventful, I slept most of the way.  My apologies to the driver and other passenger for all the snoring I'm sure I did.  I was still pretty exhausted from the ordeal and spent some more time in bed after I got home.  I'm glad my wife is so understanding of my situation.
I have one more exam to go through now.  That exam is only an hour away.  It is a mental health exam to see how all my other conditions have affected my mind.  I expect that exam to go about the same as this last one did, but I'll have to wait several more weeks for that report.
That means the earliest my appeal has a chance of being finished is still at least two months away.  That hardly sits well with me or my creditors.  My hope is still to have a decision before April, and a favorable one at that.  I am only cautiously optimistic at this point.  So many times in the past I have been disappointed or denied completely.  All I can do is continue to wait and see.
So I wait.

I wrote this in June of 2012 - enjoy!

  I thought it would be difficult for me to put my frustration into words fit to read, even though I don’t lack the vocabulary, or have trouble stringing those words together.  My real problem, I imagined, would be in swallowing what little pride and dignity I have left to tell my story.  I was more wrong than I could ever imagine.  As soon as I started to write, the words came tumbling and rushing to the page.  If anything, I needed time to sort out the volume of bitterness into easy to follow paragraphs.  Here goes.

  I served in the Navy for ten years.  When I was discharged, the Veterans Administration (VA) tested me for all kinds of maladies.  They knew I was sick and assigned me a ‘disability rating’ for what I was willing to admit ailed me at twenty eight years young.  Mind you, the VA didn’t tell me any of this for about five years.  When I did track down what they owed me, the amount paid for the closing costs on my home.  My home has been a source of stability and happiness in an otherwise chaotic and dismal situation.  Not only for my family but also for the struggling young adults who have called our tiny house their home as well over the years.

  What I was unprepared for and still find absolutely unbelievable, is that seven years after finding out the VA knew I was sick, I am still wrangling with them and the Social Security Administration (SSA) over those same ‘disability ratings’.  The hundreds of hours that dozens of healthcare and other ‘professionals’ and I have spent to prove or disprove my conditions over the years have cost American taxpayers a truly ungodly amount of money.  Keep in mind that almost a million other veterans are having similar experiences over the same time period.

  Since 2005 when my body finally succumbed to the illnesses I had been fighting since 1996 while deployed to the combat theater in the Red Sea, I have patiently and doggedly pursued the benefits I earned in service to our great nation.  At every turn I’ve encountered skepticism and outright suspicion that I’m faking my conditions, despite statements to the contrary from respected civilian nurse practitioners and doctors.  Much of my frustration stems from the working culture of VA employees (medical examiners and ‘ratings specialists’) who have made it their job to ignore congress, veteran service organizations, individual veterans and the public at large in their pursuit of ‘claims development’.

  VA is a broad organization within the Federal Government.  They oversee a large number of programs that support veterans from the time they re-enter the civilian world until they are interred at a cemetery for eternity.  That gives the organization plenty of room to mess things up.  VA is perhaps the most excellent government agency at making messes of people’s lives.  In my case, that has meant lost work, lost wages, lost health, lost sanity and friction of some kind or another in every relationship I have had since I was discharged.

  Specifically, by repeatedly refusing to grant me ‘100% service connected (SC) disability’ VA has placed a huge financial burden on my family and me.  Living on just enough money for two people I have supported a family of five (sometimes more) and helped support my wife through college.  That means food and shelter, utilities, clothing, childcare, and emotional support on a budget that would barely cover my wife and me.  That stress just adds insult to injury (or in my case illness) by contributing to my SC ‘treatment resistant depression’.

  According to the best medical professionals from Des Moines, Iowa City and Ottumwa, Iowa, I have been diagnosed with a host of illnesses that will only get worse with time.  The first and often most embarrassing disease to affect me was Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  This has plagued me most of my adult life and was detected and ‘rated’ at the maximum percentage under VA guidelines before I was discharged from the navy.  I also have Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) that requires me to wear a breathing mask connected to an air machine whenever I sleep.  I have another sleep related condition called Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) that causes me to twitch in my sleep rousing me unless I take medications to prevent the spasms. 

  On the subject of medication, I take or have taken a variety of pills.  I take Wellbutrin and Abilify during the day to help me stay awake and feel less of the effects of depression.  I take Klonopin at night to stop the creepy crawlies associated with my RLS.  I have multiple pain relief and muscle relaxants to help me function when the pain gets too severe.  I have supplements for the vitimins and minerals my body doesn’t produce properly.  I take medicines for my intestines and different medicines for my stomach.  I even have little blue pills prescribed to help me in the bedroom.  My wife and I never thought I’d ever need those!

  I have strained lower back muscles from an ammunition accident I suffered while on a ship in the Baltic Sea.  My eyes are especially sensitive to sunlight and have a pronounced tic when I don’t wear sunglasses.  I have been diagnosed with both Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue; either of which alone would enfeeble anyone who has ever dealt with the ‘fibro-fog’ or the constant weariness that never ends.  But wait!  There is more to come!

  Due to all of these conditions and the constant stress and physical strain my body is under, I have also been diagnosed with ‘treatment resistant depression’.  The treatments have included a virtual constellation of prescription medications.  I have attended both individual and group therapy, along with meditation exercises.  Most recently I have found a neuro-feedback therapy that may show some promise.   “Hope springs eternal.”

  I have been my worst enemy in this fight from time to time.  At first I was young and thought I should be healthy, so I shrugged off my conditions as long as I could.  Even after realizing my health was suffering, I tended to minimize all but the most obvious signs of developing debilitation.  By the time I acknowledged the grip my sickness had on me it was too late, VA and SSA had already decided I wasn’t very sick at all.  I have spent the past five years undoing the damage I did to my case twelve years ago.

  Two foreclosure cases and seven years later, I have learned my lesson.  VA is supposed to be non-adversarial in its contact with veterans.  That is seldom the case.  In my experience with the compensation and pension arm of the VA, no one on either side of a claim or appeal believes in the trust and respect it would take from the other side to fairly decide them.  Not that I have directly witnessed very much disrespect live and in person, but I have plenty of reports that contradict the notion of ‘putting veterans first’ written by VA employees.

  That brings me to the present and the reason for this rant to begin with.  I proudly wore the uniform of our nation for ten years.  Without knowing it, I gave our nation the best years of health I will ever have in this world.  I did this of my own free will with the certainty that if I were hurt or killed that I or my family would be compensated for my loss.  Instead, I have had to scrimp and scrape and beg like a third world urchin from a save the children commercial for what should have been an open and closed case seven years ago from both VA and SSA.

  I have lived from VA payment to VA payment and provided for my family as best as I was able.  At every turn I have been beset by more problems: financial, physical, psychological and otherwise to overcome.  Once I accepted that I would never be healthier again than I am at this very moment, the darkness seemed to close in all around me.  I freely admit to giving up after that on more than one occasion.  My family, friends and unyielding stubbornness have brought me back from the brink each time.  But each episode takes a toll on me, and there is less sand and vinegar left in me for the next fight.

  Now I have run out of every option I can think of to dig myself out of the pit of woe I find myself in.  I have asked every aid agency I could contact for help.  My wife and I receive $16 in food stamps.  There is no financial help available to us through the state because my disability compensation is considered ‘unearned income’ under state guidelines.  That has always seemed like an ironic insult to every man and woman who has served in our armed forces.  We did in fact earn every dollar that comes our way due to disability.  There is no VA welfare wagon to jump on.

  But back to where I was.  I have used payday loans to fill the gaps in what VA sends me once a month.   The interest on these loans (which I was happy to qualify for at the time) would make any sane person shudder.  I have juggled bills, written hot checks, robbed Peter to pay Paul and generally done everything possible to keep my lights and water on and fend off the mortgage company from foreclosing on our home and the auto loan company from repossessing our car.  I have simply run out of places to look for a miracle.

  I thought that by telling my story, I might ease my frustration.  Perhaps reading it would help someone remember a resource I have not been in touch with.  At the very least the rant would be therapeutic for me, putting some of my troubles in perspective.  To that end I can see that I still have a beautiful wife and family, our friends are genuine and look out for us as much as we have looked after them, and even though my health is failing, I still have all my parts and no embedded shrapnel to make air travel more difficult (not that I plan to fly anywhere anytime soon).

  What I have found instead is a slow boiling rage at how long this process is taking and all the suffering my family and I have suffered as it drags on.  My afflictions are not readily apparent to a casual observer.  I haven’t lost a limb, my eyesight or hearing.  Most people don’t understand the weariness, anxiety and fear that cycles without end through my mind at any given moment.  I understand the lack of empathy from anyone unfamiliar with my situation. 

  What I find unforgivable, the straw that settled on my camel’s back is the lack of empathy and refusal to acknowledge not only my situation but hundreds of thousands of similar stories from my brothers and sisters in arms by the very people entrusted by our government with seeing to it that those of us who served this nation are not delayed, forgotten or denied the benefits they earned.  That should infuriate every American man, woman and child who breathes free air every day of their lives thanks to those who put themselves in harms way.

What keeps me going...

I often ask myself (not expecting an answer) why I keep going despite all the accumulation of grief and guilt and regret I have in my life.  I don't have a good answer.  I could say its stubbornness or that I don't see another choice, but that is only true to an extent.  I could just walk away, throw my hands up and be done with everything I'm trying to hold onto.  That has no appeal to me at all.
So what does drive me to hang on, to hold out for that last  minute miracle?  Hope.  The only irreplaceable asset in my arsenal is hope.  The chance that something good, some positive change is coming keeps me from giving up entirely.  There is no other explanation for the tenacity of my spirit in the face of needless, mind-numbingly complex, endless bureaucratic red tape.
Like the lining at the bottom of Pandora's box, hope springs eternal.  Those words echo in my mind when I ask that rhetorical question, why do I keep going.  I keep hope alive.

New ground to cover.

My wife recently returned from a trip to visit her mother in Arizona.  While she was gone I had to fend for myself for the first time in years.  I was amazed at how dependent I had become.  She does so much for me, more than I have any reason to expect.  Since her return I have tried to be more self reliant (it's slow going) and give my wife back more of her freedom.  So much so that she is now looking for work rather than staying home to babysit me.  This is new and potentially dangerous ground for me.  I'm looking forward to it.
What will I do with all this free time?  I don't expect to blog a whole lot more than I do now, but I'm not sure what else I will end up doing.  Getting some of those projects I've put off done for starters.  I'm sure there will be plenty for me to do.  I just haven't figured out where to start.  I also don't know when my wife will get called up to work, so I have that hurdle to overcome yet.  Just one more road to cross, I guess.

I have a good lawyer.

I'm not describing her legal abilities either, I mean she genuinely cares and does more than I ever expect out of her to help my appeal.  The fact that she knows the VA regulations and congressional law better than the folks at the VA Regional Office is a nice bonus.  I have gone through the claims and appeals process on my own, with a service officer and now with an actual attorney.  I've never felt as well advised or taken care of as I do now.  If you know of any veterans here in Iowa who are in the appeal process or about to begin an appeal, let me know.  I wholeheartedly endorse my attorney, Amy Kretkowski of the Hoefer Law Firm in Iowa City, Iowa.
Having said that, I've also successfully filed and won claims without representation.  I can say that it is possible to win a claim on your own.  The process is spelled out in the letters VA sends and there are lots of great resources online.  My top two recommendations online are www.hadit.com and www.gulfwarvets.com both provide top notch advice, links to claims information and the sense of military camaraderie many of us miss.  The community on Hadit seems more robust and includes veterans and claims of all eras, but I've also spent a great deal more time on the GW site as its content applies much more directly to me and my situation.

Too much?

It is hard for me to keep posting here day after day.  I think its a great tool for my personal therapy, but it's also a growing burden to think of new and interesting things to write about.  The best I can muddle through with are stream of consciousness kind of rambles like this.  With an occasional rant or story to tell about VA and how difficult the claims and appeals process is.
I also worry about saying too much in these very personal posts.  For example, I haven't posted at all about my son's mother recently threatening to take full custody of him and move several states away.  That wound is too raw and painful still.  When the weather turns and I have a better grip on my feelings and thoughts I'm sure I'll wax prolific about the hate and discontent in my heart.
Until then enjoy my older posts and I'll keep struggling on with what I've got to offer!

Another day, another appointment...

I have appointments at the local VA clinic every month, sometimes more than once a month.  I seldom enjoy the visit but I try to stay upbeat about it.  What else am I going to do?
Today was one of those days.  Checking and rechecking my list of medications and how I'm taking them or not taking them as it turns out.  Its a long list so there is plenty of room for error, and wouldn't you know it, today we found some problems.  I also had really low blood pressure - yay!
I had some paperwork for my provider to fill out the last couple of times I had an appointment and I checked on those today.  No clue about where they went or if I'd get them back any time.  I have to keep pestering them now just to find out if the letters are lost or not.  What joy it is to be me.
I had to have blood drawn today too - never fun and fasting for them is always irritating.  At least I can handle going without for a few hours.  My stomach may not like it, but I will survive.
I have more appointments coming up.  Some of those appointments require travel, I'm not looking forward to that.  The exams are for my appeal, and I expect to have to prove once again that I deserve the higher rating that I've asked for.  The original exam was scheduled with someone whose name I didn't recognize, but now I have an exam scheduled with a guy I've seen twice already.  I've written the VA about how bad I thought his report of our meeting was, and I expect he'll review that letter before he sees me this time.
<Sigh>  It's a never ending battle it seems like.

Volunteering

I've had lots of time to reflect on what I've learned from filing and fighting for my claims and appeals.  I've often thought about volunteering in some way to help out fellow veterans facing the same kinds of problems.  That is about  the most I've followed through on any of those thoughts, just to think about it.  I've never looked into actually doing anything like that.  Not only would I not know where to begin, I really don't know that I could keep going day after day to make a real difference.
The idea itself is appealing to me, helping out those who need it.  But the reality is, I have trouble just posting to this blog everyday.  What happens to the poor souls who depend on me when I don't show up?  Maybe I'm over thinking the situation.  But that is the same kind of thinking that has me in this rut to begin with.  There always seems to be a reason not to do something.  Worse than procrastination, I can't even start any of the projects I know need to be done.

Money and the trouble not having enough brings...

Everyone has some kind of trouble with money it seems.  Even those who aren't struggling from paycheck to paycheck want more to save or spend.  I would love the luxury of having enough to pay all my family's bills.  I have a rotating policy for paying bills and it generally revolves around who plans to shut off my service as to who gets paid first.  I don't like money.  I don't like to talk about it and I don't like how it makes people behave.  I especially dislike the way a lack of money makes people (including myself) act.  It is another layer of frustration on my already crowded plate to worry about how far behind we are on the house payment, car payment, or the utilities at any given time.
I'm on what people used to refer to as a 'fixed income'.  I still do.  When the bill collectors ask how I got behind, its my go to story for an explanation.  Every time I tell it, it's true.  Every time I tell it I feel like a fool. Lack of money does that too.  Here's the hard part for me, I'll never make more money.  I'm not physically or mentally capable of holding down a job anymore.  So I'll never be able to put in more hours to earn that extra cash I need.
I've already worked from home, sold stuff on ebay and tried to make a go of working from home on my own.  Nothing panned out.  I don't qualify for most public assistance programs because my VA disability compensation counts as 'unearned income'.  That part really bugs me too.
I wait for VA and the Social Security Administration to decide they agree with me about employment.  I've waited about two years on both.  I'm still waiting.  I'm still frustrated and I'm still broke.  My only ray of hope is that one or both of my claims through VA and SSA will come through and rescue me from debt's door.
I'm not alone.  Many fellow veterans are in the same predicament, waiting on a decision, floundering in debt. Many like me are behind on mortgage payments.  That puts us just steps away from foreclosure and homelessness.  VA has programs for that, but I have yet to find one I qualify for.  Still, it could be worse.  I still have all my parts, no shrapnel to carry around and although my brain is traumatized I still have some sense left.

Insomnia

I don't sleep well most nights.  Now for example.  I went to bed around 9PM and slept till 3:30AM or so.  It affects me during the day too of course.  Sleeping in late or taking a nap during the day.  I take medication to sleep better and wear a breathing machine to bed to help me sleep better, but I wake up and can't get back to sleep.  The medicine and machine just don't cut it for me most nights.  Its just one more thing that aggravates my other conditions.  Insomnia is part of a vicious cycle that leaves me frustrated and irritable every day.
That's one reason I decided to start this blog, I can always open this up at odd hours and vent about what is bothering me.  It's kind of a therapy tool in that sense.  I do feel better about how I express myself after writing here, and have my feelings more sorted out to boot.  I hope to find a more substantial topic to write about of course, but I give what I get sometimes.

Sad day...

Today is the end of Christmas break for my nine year old son and I.  We don't get nearly enough time together, and the time we do get is marred by how tired I am.  We have spent more time together this break and done more things together than we have in a long time, but that only makes his time going back to school next week more bitter.  Just as we were getting some good bonding time, the clock has run out and we'll have to start over.  I'm still glad to have time with him, even if its imperfect and often boring for him.

I wish I had the energy to keep up with him more than I do now.  I am pretty sure he does too, but that doesn't appear to be in the cards right now.  We have to get by with what time and energy I can muster from one day to the next.  He seems to appreciate the effort as much as I appreciate the time we get to spend together.  I know as he gets older that is likely to change.  God, I hope not.

Update: Exams

News in my appeal today.  Someone ahead of me cancelled an exam appointment and I will be able to get in to talk to an examiner this month.  The cancellation is at 7:30 AM and the hospital is two hours away, but I'll take what I can get to move this along.  Fortunately, there is a disabled veterans van the county I live in runs for appointments like mine, so I won't have to drive all the way up there and back.  The exam is still pointless and a frivolous waste of time, money  and resources, but I'll go and jump through their unnecessary hoops again.
The psych exam they had me scheduled for in April has been moved up to early February too, so that is a plus.  That exam is pretty useless too, but again, its a matter of doing things their way or being denied without any chance to tell my story.  So I go and answer all the questions on their checklists, which I could have done from home over a year ago when I filed my appeal, or two years ago when the VA opened the claim to begin with.
I'm still frustrated, but I'm still hopeful too...

Life is Full of Irony

Irony.  Take for example, the situation thousands of disabled veterans and I find ourselves in.  We love our country, we look back with mostly fond memories of our youth spent in service to uphold and defend the constitution of these United States.  This love and camaraderie is in spite of the lingering wounds and illnesses that we deal with now because of that service.  The thought of not having served has never crossed my mind, well, not since boot camp anyway.  Poll a group of veterans since the draft ended and I'll wager you won't find many who regret the oath they took or the time they spent in uniform.
My grandfather served in Japan after the bombs.  My father served during Korea.  I served through both Gulf Wars.  My nine year old son asked me today why I thought that service was a good idea, especially since I was sick and wore out all the time.  It didn't take long to answer him.  It's good for shaping who you are, and I can't imagine who I would be, healthy or not, without the years I gave my country and the pride it gave to me.

So let the irony amuse you.  It gives me something to chuckle about from time to time.  But I do not doubt that given the choice to do it over again, I would still choose the path I took over twenty years ago.

A VA primer:

What can I write about VA that someone else hasn't already covered exhaustively?  Not much in the way of how to navigate the claims and appeals system.  Everyone from hadit.com to the news stand guy on the corner has had something to say about the process and its flaws.  What I can write about VA with some authority is what has happened to me.

So I'll keep this blog and this entry personal.  VA has been phenomenally inept, patently incompetent and graciously saved my bacon on more than one occasion.  I have a love-hate relationship with VA.  They are my only source of income.  I'll let that sink in, I support my family, wife, kids, and animals with the money VA provides me each month.  These are the same folks who have been hemming and hawing with me over the last 10% mark on the disability rate chart for the past two years.  I grind my teeth at the thought of how much I depend on these folks.
On the love side, I'm thankful for that income and the good healthcare I get from my local VA medical clinic. On the hate side, I have twelve years of begging and pleading for the benefits I have now, like Olliver Twist asking, "Please, sir, I want some more..."  Its hard to maintain the love while the bill collecting vultures are circling overhead.  Waiting for VA to make a decision feels like that some times.
When I first learned I had five years worth of benefits coming to me I was over joyed.  When the VA accounting department underpaid me I was put off.  When I pointed out the error I was told I was wrong.  When I got my congressman's help to sort it out I was pleased to find I was right all along (and of course I needed the money).  It was one of the first few VA 'mistakes' I have learned to expect now.  The year was 2005.
After I used the back pay I had received to buy my house, I grew ill.  It was the culmination of a dozen little things that had bothered me health-wise that finally dragged me down enough to admit there was a problem. I had never considered myself disabled, and had a hard time adjusting to that title, but here I was unable to do what had been second nature to me before.  The darkness was closing in around me.  Things went from bad to worse.  In the end, the VA Vocational Rehabilitation program helped pull me out of the hole I was in, mentally and financially.
That part of my VA experience goes in the love category.  The counselors I met through voc rehab genuinely cared about how I was doing and how they could help me.  The school work didn't always turn out to be what I could handle, but getting out of the cocoon I had made for myself at home was just what I needed.  I finished a voc rehab sponsored program and graduated at the top of my class of twelve other disabled veterans.  I even got hired by the school to teach more disabled veterans to do what I had done and learn to work from home.  By the end of 2008 I knew I was headed for another bout with my illness (which I'd never been given a diagnosis for) and resigned from my position at work.
After two more years of claims and appeals I was moved from the 80% disabled rating to the 90% disabled rating.  I was tired, diagnosed with about six more conditions, and ready to give up.  But I'm stubborn and delusional when it comes to hope.  I felt like I should have been rated at 100% and with my wife's support, decided to push on with my appeal.
I found a lawyer who handled cases like mine and brought her the plastic tote full of paperwork I'd been hoarding throughout this process.  We talked for about an hour and she was convinced that I was already doing everything I could.  She didn't want to take my case and cut into whatever back pay I had coming.  I asked her to take me on anyway as my mental faculties have already deteriorated since starting my claim.  My health continues to decline, my energy levels are lower than ever, and every day I feel a little more diminished than I was the day before.
That brings us to today.  It's a New Year and I still have hope.  The VA is continuing to drag their feet on my appeal, and delaying a decision despite my lawyer's best efforts to the contrary.  I still have my congressman's office involved and I'm hoping the pressure from his office may help speed things up.  It has worked for me before.  Wish me luck... I surely need it.

Your tax dollars at work…

Our good friends at VA sent me another nice form letter on New Years Eve day.  This one is extra special and has nothing to do with a claim or appeal of any kind.  The good folks at VA wanted me to know they’ll be sending an official survey opportunity my way in the days ahead.  For what, you and I both wondered?  Care I have already received from VA.  However, they don’t want any negative feedback about that care.  If I have something specific about the care I have already received, I should follow established Patient Advocate procedures to address that issue.  They want no real substance then, just happy thoughts.  So let’s all put our happy hats on for this exciting survey opportunity!  I know I can't wait for the excitement...