Happy New Year...

Happy New Year to all - God bless those still in harms way and deliver them from the dangers that lie in wait  for them...

Who's afraid of the big bad mood?

I don't want to paint a picture that the VA is all bad.  I don't want to paint them as bad at all, but they've left me little choice over the years.  Let me give you an example.  Let's tackle a taboo subject and talk about mental health.  Not in the abstract like, VA provides mental health services, but in specific terms of how VA has tried to help my mental health.

In my experience, VA approaches mental health from two perspectives.  There is the pharmacy side and the therapy side.  I've had very consistent results with the pharmacy side and little to no consistency from the therapy side.  I've tried lots of different therapy approaches.  I've had multiple individual and group counseling sessions, meditation, non-VA neuro-feedback, and tele-medicine sessions.  I've tried about every type of outpatient VA therapy out there... most have been haphazard at best, even when I've had practitioners who meant well.  I've had interns who were scheduled to transfer in the middle of therapy sessions, and long time veteran therapists who didn't think there would be enough sessions to help me.
Therein lies another problem. VA has a cookie cutter approach to scheduling therapy, they expect to see that within ten to twelve sessions of any kind, the veteran should no longer need therapy.  That isn't because they believe the veteran will be miraculously cured, but because there aren't enough providers to continuously provide services to the veterans who need them.
The solution from VA hasn't been to get more veterans the treatment they need, but to hire more providers to rotate veterans along the existing therapy routine.  There has to be a shift in treatment modes to accept longer term treatment options.  In my example the shift would be away from a set number of sessions to a goal of fewer darkened days (like trouble getting out of bed for the day).  That won't happen without a big push from higher up in the organization than the providers or their charges.
On the pharmacy side, I've had dozens of drug combinations meant to 'energize' me or level out my mood.  None of them have worked longer than a few months.  I've been told I have 'treatment resistant' depression. Who am I to argue with experienced practitioners.  All I can say is that I don't think one part of treatment will work without the other, on an ongoing basis.
I would love to hear from other veterans with similar or different experiences...

The waiting is the hardest part...

I think one of the worst parts of the long wait for a decision from VA on a claim is the interminable waiting itself.  Not knowing what will come next from the fine minds at VA lends a little bit more uncertainty to each day.  Its cumulative effect is the main source of the frustration I feel every single day.  You might think the occasional letter from VA would lessen that stress, but no, those missives only exacerbate the already tense situation brewing on any given day.  Between bills that have to be paid, mending relationships that don't always weather stress well and the occasional random Tuesday afternoon crisis life has taken on a rhythm that is at once exhausting and unrelenting.
All of  this day after day, week after week, month after month blurs together into years of agonizing misery.  Which could be alleviated at once with a quick and simple response from VA without its multiple volume manuals on how to reply to a veteran's claim if a subsection c paragraph fourteen dot i 3 is met instead of subsection b paragraph twenty six dot u 4.  Perhaps that is a slight exaggeration, but i stress the slight part.  The VA is endlessly writing rules and regulations to administer the various programs Congress has legislated for them to oversee.

Maybe they jut have too much on their rather large and awkwardly managed plate.  It may be that the reason VA behaves with two very different personalities towards the veterans in their care is that the missions they have been charged with have grown to be seen as at odds with each other.  Healthcare and vocational rehabilitation are programs that run counter to the culture of establishing and disbursing monetary, insurance and burial benefits.  The right hand may know what the left is doing but neither approves of the way the other  is doing any of it.
Which brings me back to where I started.  The delays that VA is constantly and accurately blamed for come from the unwieldy bureaucracy that has grown like some noxious weed alongside the congressional intent to help veterans.  Its a by product of the difference between what was meant to happen and what really goes on.  Current VA operations then are an interpretation of an intent that was never clearly conveyed.  Once the error crept into the system, it grew along with the rest of the system.  Along with the normal avarice, mistrust and sloth that plagues any organization, VA has this love hate relationship to contend with.  Veterans are caught in the middle.
And we wait.

Help me help others...

I'd like to get my message about the various problems and good things about VA out to more people.  So if the handful of you people goodly enough to have read my blog so far could share what you've found with other folks interested in this topic, I'd really appreciate it.  There is plenty more good and bad to talk about when it comes to VA and I have over a decade of experience navigating its myriad programs from a veterans perspective.

P.S.
Comments are welcome!

Here is a solution to the ongoing claims backlog.  Grant every request for benefits.  Go back and audit spurious or suspicious claims, but continue to give the veteran the benefit of the doubt as we do now.  It might cost VA some of its budget for conferences and goofy video presentations, but it will help all those veterans who are struggling to make ends meet or facing homelessness square in the face.  In the long run it will save VA all those wasted man hours from claims development, pay and benefits for the larger claims teams, and pensions for those workers when they retire.  Very few fraudulent claims are put forward by veterans to begin with.  Audits would keep that number low, and provide for continued fiscal oversight.  I can't be the only person to have thought of this...

I've been ranting for a while now, but the longer I vent the better I feel.  At least I keep telling myself that (I don't really believe me though...).  Here is a link to an article I got to vent through a few months ago: Veteran Claims

So to add insult to injury... The VA sent me a form letter over the Christmas holiday apologizing for the delay in processing my appeal.  Rather than working on my claim, they have a computer print out batches of form letters that do absolutely nothing but infuriate the veterans waiting for a real response.  Way to go VA, you're helping us all feel better about your failed 'streamlining'!!!

Merry Christmas you wonderful new blogger account!

Over the Horizon

Sometimes, when the earth under my feet seems too solid, I miss the sway of the sea.  Some nights when my bed feels too steady and the room too quiet, I miss the gentle rocking and the reassuring murmurings of a living ship at sea.  Though it pains me to admit it, and though I surely struggled against it, a part of me will always yearn for a cool bulkhead against my back as I stare off into the unequaled beauty of the moon reaching out to me as she rises over the sea.  It is at once peaceful and melancholy, that bittersweet second that you’re overwhelmed by the sheer grandeur of the universe yet too far from those you love most to share this enchanting moment.

Sometimes, when I realize the floor beneath me is just a floor; I miss the deckplates, the ladders, the water tight doors and the hatches of a ship at sea.  Some days when I realize the view out my window will always stay rooted to one spot; I miss the foc’sle, the fantail, the amidships passage and the ever changing horizon of a ship at sea.  Though I fought with every fiber of my being to avoid it, and made every bawdy boast I could think of to my shipmates that I would never miss a minute onboard, I do in fact long to slice through the swells and hear the booming of the waves pounding the hull again.

Sometimes, when I see a line of ships, their ensigns whipping in the wind, their bows cutting through the open ocean, and the foam churning in the wake of their passing … I remember the ocean sway, the ever present thrum of the engines, and those faithful souls who journeyed with me on the sea.  Those waves have come and gone.  Life at sea has shaped who I am, and because the sirens call of the deep still echoes in my heart, I will always long to see over the horizon…

I've spent many restless nights reading posts from fellow disabled veterans on this website:
                                                  www.gulfwarvets.com
There is great info, lots of questions and answers and some of the camaraderie that those of us who served often miss.

I am a disabled Veteran.

  That means a lot of different things to different people.  For most Americans it means something happened 'over there' and left some poor guy or gal less capable than they were before.  It could be a lost limb, blindness or any of hundreds of conditions.  Most people don't think about disabled veterans at all.  Few people outside a disabled veteran's family actually deal with what it means.

  I'll tell you what it means for me.  It means constant discomfort.  It's regular appointments for health care.  It's a dozen prescription drugs a day just to function.  It's inconveniencing my wife who has to wait for me to feel better before doing anything.  It's a struggle to get out of bed every day and tough to find a reason to try.  

  For me, being a disabled veteran has meant struggling for over twelve years to get the compensation my conditions warrant.  I have spent over a decade wrangling with a faceless federal government agency to accept my everyday reality.  Its a discouraging uphill battle, more difficult than anything I had to endure in my ten years on active duty.

  I want to talk about that in more detail.  The agency is the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA).  They are the providers of all my healthcare.  I am thankful for the good care I'm afforded.  I have to ask for most of that care on a regular basis, but I eventually get what I need.  VA also pays me a monthly disability compensation amount based on the severity of my conditions.  The disability scale progresses in increments of 10% all the way to 100%.  I am on the scale at 90%, but I have appealed that decision to ask for 100%.

  That process started for me before I left the Navy in 2000.  I spent the first five years after I got out of the service unaware that I had been awarded 30% disability at my discharge.  I began to get sick while still on active duty and the first signs of that sickness was Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Its is as bad as it sounds, and I won't go into detail about how miserable it makes me.  I'll point out here though that even without losing a limb or my sight I still belong to the disabled veterans 'club'.
  In 2005 I found out the VA owed me money for the five years I'd been rated (the word the VA uses to talk about disability percentages) at 30%.  According to VA they couldn't find me.  I was in college receiving GI Bill benefits and in correspondence with two other VA offices during that time.  Somehow finding me to tell me the government owed me money was not as important as when they tracked me down for an over-payment from the GI Bill.

  I used the money to buy a house.  Then I got sicker.  I went through one of the darkest times in my life.  Some days I just didn't make it out of bed.  I was sleeping a lot and found myself choking in my sleep.  I went to the doctor about it and found out I had sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome.  I was supporting my two year old son, his mother and myself on $324.00 a month from VA.  I was on every public assistance program I was eligible for, and still behind on all my bills.

  A year or two later the VA finally agreed that I had both conditions and raised my disability rating to 50%.  I got my mortgage caught back up and could afford to pay my bills again.  At some point VA decided or I just agreed that I needed to see if I could work.  I went through a VA process called Vocational Rehabilitation.  I saw some counselors and they found me a self paced community college program to learn about industrial maintenance.  I did well at first, but eventually felt overwhelmed and dropped out.

  I found another program online and tried again.  This program was learning and working from home.  I graduated at the top of my class and was hired to work for the school.  I stayed with them for about a year then the foundation that ran the program eliminated my position.  The VA had raised my disability rating to 80% while I was in school.  I was already feeling my health deteriorate from stress and the weariness I'd felt all along was growing, so I applied to VA for an increase to my disability rating.

During the series of ordeals that my life had become, I was diagnosed with depression due to my other conditions.  That at least explained why I slept so much and found no joy in things I used to do.  By this time I was taking three or four prescription medicines a day.  I didn't like it but I tried to take them as prescribed.  I was just dragging along for a while.

In the mean time, I met and married my wife, Brenda.  We met online and fell in love despite trying not to.  Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life.  I thought maybe I'd turned a corner and the darkness of depression and misery was over.  I found a part time job working for a friend and life finally seemed to not drag at me.

  The honeymoon and my euphoria did not last long.  My wife started school as the business she worked at for 15 years closed.  I became the only source of income for us but felt confident I could keep us above water.  I waited for the VA to finish my claim for an increase and hoped for the best.

 And I waited.

  A year and a half after I filed for an increase to my 80% disability rating I received a denial letter with several long winded and contradictory reasons listed for each condition.  It took the wind out of my sails.  I knew that appealing their decision would take another year or two.  Money was already tight and the stress kept growing.

I can't fit all the frustration, anguish and despair I've felt through this process in just a few words.  I can't adequately explain how dehumanizing it is to beg for benefits you know that you have earned.  All I can do is tell you that I am not alone in this.  Veterans all over the country from every conflict we've fought as a nation since World War Two are going through the claims process.  The backlog of claims is well over half a million.  That is over half a million families clawing for help from the agency that is supposed to be our lifeline after serving honorably to protect and defend this great nation.

  I don't know how much longer the appeals process will take for me.  I'm behind on our mortgage again and robbing Peter to pay Paul with our other bills.  I've become an incredibly deft hand at juggling bills, but eventually that act will come to an end.  Because of our financial hardship VA is expediting my appeal.  That should mean that a decision is imminent.  It doesn't.  I got a letter yesterday demanding that I drive almost two hours from home (my wife will drive me) so the VA can have someone (probably not a doctor) examine me again to see how bad my conditions have become.

   The appointment is April 8th, 2013.  That hardly seems expedited to me.

  I see nurse practitioners every month at the local VA clinic for medical and mental health care.  My records from those visits alone should be enough to decide my claim, but if I refuse to go to the new exams the VA can deny my appeal just for that refusal.  I'm stuck again and feeling every day weigh me down just a little bit more.  I've been robbed of my joy for life again.  It affects my sleep, and my waking hours.  It affects my relationship with my wife and my son.  It affects how I experience the holidays, the weather and the dragging feeling I spend most of my time railing against.