I thought it would
be difficult for me to put my frustration into words fit to read, even though I
don’t lack the vocabulary, or have trouble stringing those words together. My real problem, I imagined, would be in
swallowing what little pride and dignity I have left to tell my story. I was more wrong than I could ever
imagine. As soon as I started to write,
the words came tumbling and rushing to the page. If anything, I needed time to sort out the
volume of bitterness into easy to follow paragraphs. Here goes.
I served in the Navy
for ten years. When I was discharged,
the Veterans Administration (VA) tested me for all kinds of maladies. They knew I was sick and assigned me a ‘disability
rating’ for what I was willing to admit ailed me at twenty eight years
young. Mind you, the VA didn’t tell me
any of this for about five years. When I
did track down what they owed me, the amount paid for the closing costs on my
home. My home has been a source of
stability and happiness in an otherwise chaotic and dismal situation. Not only for my family but also for the
struggling young adults who have called our tiny house their home as well over
the years.
What I was
unprepared for and still find absolutely unbelievable, is that seven years after
finding out the VA knew I was sick, I am still wrangling with them and the
Social Security Administration (SSA) over those same ‘disability ratings’. The hundreds of hours that dozens of healthcare
and other ‘professionals’ and I have spent to prove or disprove my conditions
over the years have cost American taxpayers a truly ungodly amount of money. Keep in mind that almost a million other veterans
are having similar experiences over the same time period.
Since 2005 when my
body finally succumbed to the illnesses I had been fighting since 1996 while
deployed to the combat theater in the Red Sea, I have patiently and doggedly
pursued the benefits I earned in service to our great nation. At every turn I’ve encountered skepticism and
outright suspicion that I’m faking my conditions, despite statements to the
contrary from respected civilian nurse practitioners and doctors. Much of my frustration stems from the working
culture of VA employees (medical examiners and ‘ratings specialists’) who have
made it their job to ignore congress, veteran service organizations, individual
veterans and the public at large in their pursuit of ‘claims development’.
VA is a broad
organization within the Federal Government.
They oversee a large number of programs that support veterans from the
time they re-enter the civilian world until they are interred at a cemetery for
eternity. That gives the organization
plenty of room to mess things up. VA is
perhaps the most excellent government agency at making messes of people’s
lives. In my case, that has meant lost
work, lost wages, lost health, lost sanity and friction of some kind or another
in every relationship I have had since I was discharged.
Specifically, by repeatedly
refusing to grant me ‘100% service connected (SC) disability’ VA has placed a
huge financial burden on my family and me.
Living on just enough money for two people I have supported a family of
five (sometimes more) and helped support my wife through college. That means food and shelter, utilities,
clothing, childcare, and emotional support on a budget that would barely cover
my wife and me. That stress just adds
insult to injury (or in my case illness) by contributing to my SC ‘treatment resistant
depression’.
According to the
best medical professionals from Des Moines, Iowa City and Ottumwa, Iowa, I have
been diagnosed with a host of illnesses that will only get worse with
time. The first and often most
embarrassing disease to affect me was Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). This has plagued me most of my adult life and
was detected and ‘rated’ at the maximum percentage under VA guidelines before I
was discharged from the navy. I also
have Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) that requires me to wear a breathing mask
connected to an air machine whenever I sleep.
I have another sleep related condition called Restless Leg Syndrome
(RLS) that causes me to twitch in my sleep rousing me unless I take medications
to prevent the spasms.
On the subject of
medication, I take or have taken a variety of pills. I take Wellbutrin and Abilify during the day
to help me stay awake and feel less of the effects of depression. I take Klonopin at night to stop the creepy
crawlies associated with my RLS. I have
multiple pain relief and muscle relaxants to help me function when the pain
gets too severe. I have supplements for
the vitimins and minerals my body doesn’t produce properly. I take medicines for my intestines and
different medicines for my stomach. I
even have little blue pills prescribed to help me in the bedroom. My wife and I never thought I’d ever need
those!
I have strained
lower back muscles from an ammunition accident I suffered while on a ship in
the Baltic Sea. My eyes are especially
sensitive to sunlight and have a pronounced tic when I don’t wear
sunglasses. I have been diagnosed with
both Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue; either of which alone would enfeeble
anyone who has ever dealt with the ‘fibro-fog’ or the constant weariness that
never ends. But wait! There is more to come!
Due to all of these
conditions and the constant stress and physical strain my body is under, I have
also been diagnosed with ‘treatment resistant depression’. The treatments have included a virtual
constellation of prescription medications.
I have attended both individual and group therapy, along with meditation
exercises. Most recently I have found a neuro-feedback
therapy that may show some promise.
“Hope springs eternal.”
I have been my worst
enemy in this fight from time to time.
At first I was young and thought I should be healthy, so I shrugged off
my conditions as long as I could. Even
after realizing my health was suffering, I tended to minimize all but the most
obvious signs of developing debilitation.
By the time I acknowledged the grip my sickness had on me it was too
late, VA and SSA had already decided I wasn’t very sick at all. I have spent the past five years undoing the
damage I did to my case twelve years ago.
Two foreclosure
cases and seven years later, I have learned my lesson. VA is supposed to be non-adversarial in its
contact with veterans. That is seldom
the case. In my experience with the
compensation and pension arm of the VA, no one on either side of a claim or
appeal believes in the trust and respect it would take from the other side to
fairly decide them. Not that I have
directly witnessed very much disrespect live and in person, but I have plenty
of reports that contradict the notion of ‘putting veterans first’ written by VA
employees.
That brings me to
the present and the reason for this rant to begin with. I proudly wore the uniform of our nation for
ten years. Without knowing it, I gave
our nation the best years of health I will ever have in this world. I did this of my own free will with the
certainty that if I were hurt or killed that I or my family would be
compensated for my loss. Instead, I have
had to scrimp and scrape and beg like a third world urchin from a save the
children commercial for what should have been an open and closed case seven
years ago from both VA and SSA.
I have lived from VA
payment to VA payment and provided for my family as best as I was able. At every turn I have been beset by more
problems: financial, physical, psychological and otherwise to overcome. Once I accepted that I would never be
healthier again than I am at this very moment, the darkness seemed to close in
all around me. I freely admit to giving
up after that on more than one occasion.
My family, friends and unyielding stubbornness have brought me back from
the brink each time. But each episode
takes a toll on me, and there is less sand and vinegar left in me for the next
fight.
Now I have run out
of every option I can think of to dig myself out of the pit of woe I find
myself in. I have asked every aid agency
I could contact for help. My wife and I
receive $16 in food stamps. There is no
financial help available to us through the state because my disability
compensation is considered ‘unearned income’ under state guidelines. That has always seemed like an ironic insult
to every man and woman who has served in our armed forces. We did in fact earn every dollar that comes
our way due to disability. There is no
VA welfare wagon to jump on.
But back to where I
was. I have used payday loans to fill
the gaps in what VA sends me once a month.
The interest on these loans (which I was happy to qualify for at the
time) would make any sane person shudder.
I have juggled bills, written hot checks, robbed Peter to pay Paul and
generally done everything possible to keep my lights and water on and fend off
the mortgage company from foreclosing on our home and the auto loan company
from repossessing our car. I have simply
run out of places to look for a miracle.
I thought that by
telling my story, I might ease my frustration.
Perhaps reading it would help someone remember a resource I have not
been in touch with. At the very least
the rant would be therapeutic for me, putting some of my troubles in
perspective. To that end I can see that I
still have a beautiful wife and family, our friends are genuine and look out
for us as much as we have looked after them, and even though my health is
failing, I still have all my parts and no embedded shrapnel to make air travel
more difficult (not that I plan to fly anywhere anytime soon).
What I have found
instead is a slow boiling rage at how long this process is taking and all the
suffering my family and I have suffered as it drags on. My afflictions are not readily apparent to a
casual observer. I haven’t lost a limb,
my eyesight or hearing. Most people
don’t understand the weariness, anxiety and fear that cycles without end
through my mind at any given moment. I
understand the lack of empathy from anyone unfamiliar with my situation.
What I find unforgivable, the straw that
settled on my camel’s back is the lack of empathy and refusal to acknowledge
not only my situation but hundreds of thousands of similar stories from my
brothers and sisters in arms by the very people entrusted by our government
with seeing to it that those of us who served this nation are not delayed,
forgotten or denied the benefits they earned.
That should infuriate every American man, woman and child who breathes
free air every day of their lives thanks to those who put themselves in harms
way.
Is there a Vets Helping Vets in your area? Any Veteran's group that can help pay a few bills? Does your utility company have a program to help you pay to heat your home? A food bank that will help you with some non perishable food every month? A church with an outreach, or one that would just take up a special collection from time to time?
ReplyDeleteLike you, I was sick when I was discharged in the '70s. The Army didn't do anything before I was discharged, and the VA just laughed when I asked for help. I ended up having to file for non service connected disability at 53, when my active duty medical records couldn't be found. That was $1021 a month for 2012 and not allowed to work, or have any other income.
I have at one time or another filed for every benefit I could find, veteran related or not. Food stamps, heat assistance, low income medical and dental coverage for my wife, help from the local food pantry, help from the American Legion for my mortgage, donations from local churches to help pay utilities and help from the county VA to help with our bills. When I first got sic VA was paying me $324.00 a month in service connected disability. That was my only cash income at the time.
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