Confusion aplenty...

I'm used to a certain level of bureaucracy when dealing with the VA.  I also consider myself fairly computer savvy.  I used the VA ebenefits website to find out my appeal had been decided.  I went back to the site today and snooped around the website some more.  I should have left well enough alone.  I found another appeal listed and a newly opened claim.  The claim says it's for fibromyalgia.  I'm already service connected at the maximum rate of 40% for it, so there is no reason to have a claim opened for it.
So now I'm confused by the very site I used to find out about my appeal.  Is my wait finally over or do I have months and months ahead of me yet?  I want this to be over and of course I want the VA to find in my favor.  I'm worried now that something else is afoot.  My greatest fear is that the VA has decided against me or will delay their decision too long to help me out of the financial hole I've dug for myself.
This has all brought my stress levels to a new height.  I am teetering on the edge here and there is little in the way of a safe place to land.  I still have hope but its muddled now and I'm far less confident than I was Monday morning.  Help seems farther away than ever.

The right hand does not know what the left is doing...

I'm in the final stage of my appeal finally, after almost three years.  I could get a decision this week.  On Saturday I got yet another form letter from VA apologizing for the delay in reaching a decision.  This one comes from someone entitled the, "Veterans Service Center Manager".  I don't know who that is or what their position means.  I do know that it doesn't seem like anyone at VA knows what anyone else is doing.  This letter is virtually identical to the one I got a month or so ago.
I just want this to be over and hope that the VA finds in my favor (of course).  The waiting is the hardest part.  My wife and I have been waiting this long; so I'm sure we can hold on a little longer.  Though an answer tomorrow would be incredible!  In the meantime we'll just keep holding on until I hear one way or another.

News

I've said before that I have an awesome attorney representing me for my VA appeal.  She proved her worth yet again today by getting my claim expedited to the Decision Review Officer (DRO) for a final decision.  That means it is now on the desk of the person who will ultimately decide to grant my appeal or deny me again.  I could have word of that decision anytime next week.  I'm cautiously optimistic that things will work out this time.  I have been disappointed in the past, but I feel confident this time.  I've kind of bet the farm on this one.

Running on fumes...

Some days I struggle to find a reason to get out of bed.  Some nights I lay awake for hours unable to sleep but unwilling to give up the attempt.  Most nights when sleep eludes me I come here and write some small bit of personal reflection.  Lately I haven't had any inspiration to write at all.  My thoughts seem repetitive and the words fail to come to me.
Tonight I had the same problems.  I finally rolled out of bed this afternoon and took my medicine.  My wife tried to coax me out of bed earlier but I didn't sleep well last night, so I was still tired today.  Once I was up and around I found there was nothing to do, no phone calls to make or emails to write with President's Day going on.  My other routines were similarly unattractive, no games or facebook or news feeds kept my interest.
Even food and time alone with my wife left me feeling jaded and empty.  Not for any lack on her part but because I could not stay focused on the moment.  The endless cycle of worrying and hoping repeated in my mind all day.  Before I knew it evening had passed to night and the time had come for my second round of medicines.  Not long after that we retired for the night and I lay awake trying desperately to stop the cycle in my mind and rest.  Two hours later I got up and tried to clear my mind here.
The frustration goes on, the cycle repeats itself and I am caught like a mouse on a spinning wheel.  There is no end in sight and every day weighs on me like an added stone to those I already carry.  I yearn for some peace and rest but the wheel turns and draws my attention back again and again.  That's all metaphor of course, but it feels oddly accurate just the same.

New for me...

I did a new thing today.  I went to a VAMC for recreational therapy.  While I was there, in fact the whole reason for my visit was to enter the VA creative writing competition.  The state competition is on President's day (Feb 18th) but the final results from the national level aren't due out until June.  Whether I win anything or not is irrelevant to me.  I participated in something.  Granted the pieces I submitted were older works I wrote before I lost my muse, but they are good works and would have languished on one of my shelves otherwise.  Still, wish me luck for trying.
The visit to the hospital where I entered the competition is always tough for me.  There are always older vets in wheelchairs, scooters and on crutches that remind me of just how bad things could be for me.  Often these folks are alone and in a world of their own.  I want to help them somehow but can't seem to find anything worthwhile to offer these severely ill and wounded warriors.  They might not even want my measly help, clinging to whatever pride or stubbornness they have that keeps them going.
I know VA does some things to help these folks but with the 1000 yard stare on their faces, I just don't think there is enough to keep these folks tethered to our world for long.  I would think that it erodes the spirit to sit day after day in the fog they must endure.  Maybe some family visits once in a while; maybe no one comes to see them.  I worry that I could end up like them someday and the thought sends shivers down my spine.  I ask myself, who would come for me in that situation.  I have family and friends that see me now, but ripped from my home and surrounded by strangers, how would my fragile mind cope?  I don't have good answers.  That worries me most of all.

Stress

I've talked about the different stress I deal with each day, but I haven't fully articulated how that stress takes a toll on me.  I had a class once that talked  about stress in great detail.  It covered positive stress like winning an award and the negative stress we all think about like losing your job.  For me, lately at least, stress always seems to be of the second variety.  I'm constantly trying to keep up with a series of negative events and at least minimize the damage each event imparts.  Something as simple as a utility bill coming due can send me into outright panic until I can figure a way to pay it off.
Much more difficult though are emotional and relationship issues that come up amid all the other sundry stressors I face each day.  Finding a way to care for our children and grandchildren tasks me in ways I didn't ever think I would be challenged to face.  Keeping harmony with my wife when I really feel like cursing a string of profanity laden tirades about how things are going at once makes me bitter about the situation I find us in but also very aware of how selfish that line of thought could make me.  The last thing I want to do is alienate the one person who has stood by me through thick and very thin times.
The real toll then is not in dealing with the stress I feel each day, but in mustering up the energy and determination to overcome yet another set of obstacles to the peace and contentment I so desperately want. Although outright crises seldom rear their ugly heads on any given day, the string of smaller challenges day after day still wears me out emotionally.  I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions to begin with, but the constant drain day after day leaves me practically gasping for breath each night by bedtime.  Its no wonder I have trouble sleeping with all the baggage I bring to bed with me each night.  I'm surprised I get any rest at all.

Still waiting...

I'm officially starting my nervous waiting period.  Up until now, I've been waiting on lots of different processes to be finished before I could expect a decision on my VA appeal.  This Monday I finished my part of the last of those processes.  Now I have to wait for the reports from my last two exams and the rating decision from the regional office.  The process can still take months to complete, but that won't stop me from over analyzing every little word or stray thought I've had about the appeal since I filed for an increase in 2010.
So today, my mind is in overdrive thinking about the appeal, the reports, the Decision Review Officer, my attorney, and how much my life and my family's life can change if things work out in my favor.  This decision will have ripple effects throughout my life.  Finding in my favor will mean forgiveness of my student loan debts, a waiver of property taxes on my home, a chance to refinance my mortgage, the opportunity to build a larger house, to finally catch up all our bills and look ahead to a brighter future.
So wish me luck, or send prayers or happy thoughts my way.  Do whatever your particular cultural or ethnic heritage leads you to do to win favor in this often cold and cruel world, and hope with me for that better tomorrow.  For me, that day could be days weeks or months from now.

A light at the end of my tunnel...

Today I had my last Compensation & Pension (C&P) exam for my appeal.  After this exam I only have to wait for the decision from the Regional Office (RO) in Des Moines.  This was a mental health exam with an actual psychologist, not just a nurse practitioner.  I'm kind of worn out from the travel there and back, but I'm hopeful again that I'll win my appeal.  The examiner seemed genuinely interested in my situation and sympathetic to my condition.  I won't know for sure until I read his report, but I'm hopeful that things will work out finally.  Of course, I could be wrong altogether; the examiner might just say he's not sure about me.
Because the location of the exam was so far away, I put in a claim for travel pay.  It takes a while to process but it will help with gas when it comes back.  The process was different for filing this time.  There was no travel office at this VA medical center; so I filled out a request that VA will forward internally.  This only increases the wait time for the money to come through.
Wish me luck, I may be near the end of my long wait.