If waiting for the decision seemed hard...

Imagine knowing that your wait was over - the decision was in your favor finally after all those years of uncertainty.  Now you just have to wait for the payoff.  And you wait.  It  may not take the years of anguished waiting that you've gone through already, but it still takes time.  That time seems to stretch on and on anyway.  Knowing that the moment the funds from your victory will change your entire life make that time between receiving your award letter and actually seeing the money seem as long as those years of waiting magnified somehow.  I can only describe the bittersweet agony of waiting for the finish line as tormented and exhilarating.
Time still stands still, but its a temporary condition.  I'm ready to move on and let all these years of frustration go.  I'm just waiting for that time to come and the weight to roll completely off my shoulders.  Bring on the champagne and celebration - just bring it on quick!!!

Oh what a difference a day makes...

Or in this case, a week and some change.  I have received the big envelope from VA with an award of 100% schedular disability.  Nevermind the details, I'm finally able to fix all the things that have weighed on me all this time!  Thank you to all you folks who commiserated with me and wished me luck and so on.  Victory took only 13 years!!!
I'm so excited, I need to take a breath and push this manic feeling back down to manageable levels.  But after all this time, such relief and oh what joy!

And time stands still...

So I still don't have any idea about my appeal decision.  But I have read the two Compensation & Pension (C&P) exam reports that VA ordered.  I'm not exactly thrilled with either report.  Both left out important information I shared during the exams and neither one would say outright that I was unemployable.  That does not bode well for the decision I'm waiting for either.
In other news, when it rains it pours.  My wife lost a tire on the car yesterday, well she got a flat tire anyway.  With the limited income I have from my VA disability, the cost of a new tire can be enough to throw our entire budget off.  Paying bills is harder and keeping our heads above water is just as difficult.  Not to mention a couple of ballooning payments for bills I haven't even begun to figure out a way to pay.
The stress of all this has been building in me for days.  I can literally feel it in my gut, and my irritable bowel syndrome confirms it.  I've had to take a lot more pain medicine lately and even resorted to using the muscle relaxers VA prescribed for me.  I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but the cycle in my head doesn't leave much room for anything else.  My hopes for a favorable decision are slipping away, but I have to hold on no matter what.  There is too much stubbornness left in me to give up or quit.  All I can do is hope that my attorney can pull off a last minute save somehow.  I've said all along she is pretty good at what she does.

Confusion aplenty...

I'm used to a certain level of bureaucracy when dealing with the VA.  I also consider myself fairly computer savvy.  I used the VA ebenefits website to find out my appeal had been decided.  I went back to the site today and snooped around the website some more.  I should have left well enough alone.  I found another appeal listed and a newly opened claim.  The claim says it's for fibromyalgia.  I'm already service connected at the maximum rate of 40% for it, so there is no reason to have a claim opened for it.
So now I'm confused by the very site I used to find out about my appeal.  Is my wait finally over or do I have months and months ahead of me yet?  I want this to be over and of course I want the VA to find in my favor.  I'm worried now that something else is afoot.  My greatest fear is that the VA has decided against me or will delay their decision too long to help me out of the financial hole I've dug for myself.
This has all brought my stress levels to a new height.  I am teetering on the edge here and there is little in the way of a safe place to land.  I still have hope but its muddled now and I'm far less confident than I was Monday morning.  Help seems farther away than ever.

The right hand does not know what the left is doing...

I'm in the final stage of my appeal finally, after almost three years.  I could get a decision this week.  On Saturday I got yet another form letter from VA apologizing for the delay in reaching a decision.  This one comes from someone entitled the, "Veterans Service Center Manager".  I don't know who that is or what their position means.  I do know that it doesn't seem like anyone at VA knows what anyone else is doing.  This letter is virtually identical to the one I got a month or so ago.
I just want this to be over and hope that the VA finds in my favor (of course).  The waiting is the hardest part.  My wife and I have been waiting this long; so I'm sure we can hold on a little longer.  Though an answer tomorrow would be incredible!  In the meantime we'll just keep holding on until I hear one way or another.

News

I've said before that I have an awesome attorney representing me for my VA appeal.  She proved her worth yet again today by getting my claim expedited to the Decision Review Officer (DRO) for a final decision.  That means it is now on the desk of the person who will ultimately decide to grant my appeal or deny me again.  I could have word of that decision anytime next week.  I'm cautiously optimistic that things will work out this time.  I have been disappointed in the past, but I feel confident this time.  I've kind of bet the farm on this one.

Running on fumes...

Some days I struggle to find a reason to get out of bed.  Some nights I lay awake for hours unable to sleep but unwilling to give up the attempt.  Most nights when sleep eludes me I come here and write some small bit of personal reflection.  Lately I haven't had any inspiration to write at all.  My thoughts seem repetitive and the words fail to come to me.
Tonight I had the same problems.  I finally rolled out of bed this afternoon and took my medicine.  My wife tried to coax me out of bed earlier but I didn't sleep well last night, so I was still tired today.  Once I was up and around I found there was nothing to do, no phone calls to make or emails to write with President's Day going on.  My other routines were similarly unattractive, no games or facebook or news feeds kept my interest.
Even food and time alone with my wife left me feeling jaded and empty.  Not for any lack on her part but because I could not stay focused on the moment.  The endless cycle of worrying and hoping repeated in my mind all day.  Before I knew it evening had passed to night and the time had come for my second round of medicines.  Not long after that we retired for the night and I lay awake trying desperately to stop the cycle in my mind and rest.  Two hours later I got up and tried to clear my mind here.
The frustration goes on, the cycle repeats itself and I am caught like a mouse on a spinning wheel.  There is no end in sight and every day weighs on me like an added stone to those I already carry.  I yearn for some peace and rest but the wheel turns and draws my attention back again and again.  That's all metaphor of course, but it feels oddly accurate just the same.